What’s in my head is private
 |
| Image: All Rights Reserved |
| New York: Scholastic Press |
| 2009 |
Everything she asked had some hidden motivation, and anything I said would just be used as evidence that I’m crazy and need to be locked up in here indefinitely. That’s part of the reason I don’t want to speak up in group, or “share” the contents of this journal. What’s in my head is private, and I don’t want people poking there and judging me for the things I think and feel. I get enough of that at home and at school. I need to keep some of myself for myself – unsullied, uncorrupted, secret, and unsaid. Otherwise, there won’t be anything left of me.
But sometimes I wonder if that’s already true; there are times when I get so tired of trying to be everything to everyone I feel like shouting, “Will the real Janie Ryman please stand up?” I’ve spent so long striving to be as perfect as Perfect Jenny to please my parents, striving to be smart to please my teachers, but not too smart to please boys, striving to fit in, striving to be thin, striving to be pretty. I’m not sure I even know what the real Janie looks like anymore.
Things were so much easier when I was younger. I bet my parents would laugh at me for saying that, because in their mind I’m still too young to have real emotions and thoughts and feelings, too young to have a mind of my own. I don’t think it’s because they’re such bad parents – I think it’s because like a lot of grown-ups, they just can’t remember how it feels to be a teenager. It’s not that our emotions aren’t real, it’s more that they’re hyper-real because we’re feeling them for the first time.
I’ve experienced minor jealousies and hurts before – like pretty much anyone who has survived middle school – but what happened with Matt is so far beyond that I can’t help wondering: Does it get any easier? Is the pain of the third, or fourth, or the twenty-fifth betrayal less overwhelming than the first? I sure as hell hope so, because otherwise I’m not sure I want to go on living. There are just so many ways a person you like can hurt you.
Extract from the book Purge
by Littman Sarah
All Rights Reserved.
New York: Scholastic Press, 2009.
Call Number: Y English LIT
Extract contributed by Manemegalai d/o Annamalai
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Are you afraid to ‘speak up’ because people may judge you? Does it make a difference when you ‘speak up’ in person, and when you ‘speak up’ on social media such as Facebook?
May 30th, 2011 at 12:06 pm
Everything she asked had some hidden motivation, and anything I said would just be used as evidence that I’m crazy and need to be locked up in here indefinitely. That’s part of the reason I don’t want to speak up in group, or “share” the contents of this journal. What’s in my head is private, and I don’t want people poking there and judging me for the things I think and feel. I get enough of that at home and at school. I need to keep some of myself for myself – unsullied uncorrupted, secret, and unsaid. Otherwise, there won’t be anything left of me.
But sometimes I wonder if that’s already true; there are times when I get so tired of trying to be everything to everyone I feel like shouting, “Will the real Janie Ryman please stand up?” I’ve spent so long striving to be as perfect as Perfect Jenny to please my parents, striving to be smart to please my teachers, but not too smart to please boys, striving to fit in, striving to be thin, striving to be pretty. I’m not sure I even know what the real Janie looks like anymore.
Things were so much easier when I was younger. I bet my parents would laugh at me for saying that, because in their mind I’m still too young to have real emotions and thoughts and feelings, too young to have a mind of my own. I don’t think it’s because they’re such bad parents – I think it’s because like a lot of grown-ups, they just can’t remember how it feels to be a teenager. It’s not that our emotions aren’t real, it’s more that they’re hyper-real because we’re feeling them for the first time.
I’ve experienced minor jealousies and hurts before – like pretty much anyone who has survived middle school – but what happened with Matt is so far beyond that I can’t help wondering: Does it get any easier? Is the pain of the third, or fourth, or the twenty-fifth betrayal less overwhelming than the first? I sure as hell hope so, because otherwise I’m not sure I want to go on living. There are just so many ways a person you like can hurt you.:D
June 11th, 2011 at 10:23 pm
In primary school, I used to be one of those girls who was never afraid to speak up, whether to ask silly questions, or even just to be honest (albeit a little blunt at times) about my feelings. People took notice of me, and some said negative things with regards to how I was unafraid to stand out and speak up.
That changed when I entered secondary school. Everyone was overwhelmingly confident, so it seemed to me initially. People were unafraid to say what they think. Everyone seemed so capable, I was no longer as confident as I was to speak up. I would much rather keep quiet and watch from the sidelines, something I figure my younger self would never have done.
That is why, I suppose, social media like Facebook is such a ‘big’ thing right now. Facebook allows everyone to have a say, to comment on something that doesn’t even concern or include them.
But ‘speaking up’ in person, in reality, is very much different from speaking up on Facebook. It doesn’t take that much of courage to comment on something clearly ‘wrong’: this was after all, people you knew, and people you could ignore if things went wrong after commenting. Last resort? Hit the delete button.
But ‘speaking up’ in person.. that’s a different thing. It takes way more courage to even just step OUT from the sidelines, and a whole lot more to say what you really think.
That is why I completely disapprove of Stomp.sg, that infamous, uniquely-Singaporean gossip website. It is one thing to disapprove of sleeping passengers in the priority seat, and another, to snap a photo of them (without their knowledge), and upload it online, criticising them and pointing accusing fingers when you know NOTHING about what may have transpired to cause them to sleep in the priority seat. Such methods to ‘speak up’ using social media, especially using the Internet, is a most cowardly method to approach what you do not approve of.
Courage is more than ‘speaking up’. It’s about ‘speaking up’ in a way that would earn one respect, and failing that, grudging but undeniable concurrence and acknowledgement.
July 13th, 2011 at 7:22 pm
Very often, I would keep my thoughts and comments to myself, even though sometimes an adamantine feeling overcomes me to voice out. Fear of rejection, being laughed at and unaccepted of my opinions worries me a lot. Despite all that, I do, in fact speak up in times of injustice where either me, or other party is unfairly treated.
Similarly to what Read! said, in Primary school, I was the inquisitive and daring one, I said whatever was in my mind. There was no fear of any rejection because afterall, we’re just children who has yet to mature and think about questions like “what if someone disagrees or dislike my comment?”. Similarity, there are people who would judge you because of your words and the differences between your opinions and theirs.
When you speak up in person, it does indeed, at least to me, makes you certain that what the party is saying is their current thought process, unlike a Facebook status which the person would have probably taken some time to brood over it and take consideration about the impact on others.
Finally, I take a person’s word more seriously when it is delivered not online. Saying it in person Is definitely more impactful than posting a status online, in which it could be deleted.
August 30th, 2011 at 9:15 pm
Yes, sometimes i am afraid to speak up as i’m afraid of being judged by people, because i dislike putting myself out there and being the center of attention. I will have thoughts such as ,”I’m not good enough”,”What i have to say is of no interest to others.”
However, i know that no matter how anyone judges me, i should still keep my head up. Because true power comes from ourselves, not others. What will make oneself strong is if one can stands up to what they say. And because of the fact that many people do not dare to express themselves in person, social networking such as “facebook” is a very popular thing as it does not need as much courage for one to speak up in “facebook” as compared to in person.
August 31st, 2011 at 12:33 am
Yes, I am sometimes afraid to speak up, afraid to make a fool of my self, especially in front of a crowd of people. Sometimes people would look at you funny when you speak up, or your comments might even be ignored. This is one of the reasons why so many people do not speak up so often.
To most people who are afraid to speak up in person, speaking up in social media does make a huge difference. Facebook allows people to share what they really think, how they feel, and people would not be able to make fun of your comments with so much ease as when you speak up in person.
January 30th, 2012 at 10:54 pm
More often than not, I would hesitate to speak up or come clean about certain issues due to the fear of being judged by the people around me. I believe many people, myself included, would tend to weigh the implications of their words before attempting to address a matter. Take, for example, a clique of close friends. Under the influence of peer pressure, a member of the clique may worry that what he/she says may lead to them becoming an outcast of the group. People would naturally want to feel like they ‘belong’ and would not want to be seen as ‘different’ by others. As a result, opinions are normally stifled and shunned.
In my opinion, I think that ‘speaking up’ in person is a more effective way of putting one’s point across, as compared to ‘speaking up’ on social media sites. Although it is definitely a lot easier to hide behind a virtual facade, many complications can arise from ‘speaking your mind’ on the Internet. People may misinterpret your words and this may lead to arguments due to bursts of outrage. Text on the Internet are unable to convey emotions, something that is essential to ensure that others would not mistake your sincere intentions as cockiness or rudeness. Whatever said on the Internet may also be manipulated and used against you. Therefore, I would much rather express my opinions in real life, in contrast to stating it on the Internet.
February 8th, 2012 at 1:06 am
Sometimes I am afraid to speak up and express my own view, because I do not want people to see me as someone going against their opinions. People usually want to fit in, to show others that they are the coolest. Unfortunately, the definition of “cool” does not always coincide with the correct thing to do. Peer pressure is often something most people give in to at least at one point in their lives. For example, a group of people asks a boy to smoke. This boy knows that it is the wrong thing to do, because it is harmful to the body. However, he also knows that if he does not do it, he will not fit in or be accepted by the group. He then agrees to smoke, because he wants to be their definition of cool.
However, while I admit that I am afraid to speak up, I know that it is sometimes necessary because of the consequences, as in the case of the smoking. The boy’s family may be hurt and upset by his actions, and worried about him. I also feel that people should understand that going along with others’ views in order to fit in is a short-term happiness, whereas expressing your own opinion is what will truly make one happy. Personally, I am trying my best to remember to voice out my own opinions as well.
It does make a difference speaking up in person and speaking up on social media. On social media, you can be anonymous. One does not have to be afraid of people who will judge you. Another thing is that socializing platforms such as Facebook or Twitter has a delete function. Comments made can be erased and the online community will be unable to judge you based on what you posted. On the other hand, people have real identities in the real world. People can remember a certain individual by their previous actions and words. It takes a lot of courage to step out and tell the other party about a differing opinion to theirs, especially if it is an issue linked to peer pressure.
February 21st, 2012 at 9:03 pm
At times, I would be afraid to speak up as i am afraid that people would laugh at my views. However, when I am confident that something is wrong, I will not hesitate to speak up. I feel that it takes a lot of courage to speak up. Not everyone dares to do it since many people are afraid to be made fun of. However, this builds our self confidence. We have to learn to express our views and not keep everything to ourselves. We have to learn to fight for our own rights.
I feel that speaking up in person would make a larger impact. Speaking up on social media would not make a lot of difference as not many people would take it into concern. People might think that you just want to vent your anger out somewhere. However, if you speak up in person, people will know that you are actually confident in proving your point and also wants others to accept your point. Therefore, we have to learn to speak up and not always hide our feelings.
June 22nd, 2012 at 3:23 pm
No, I am tired of not speaking up in the fear of “lose face”. For example, in the MRT, I speak up when speaking up is justified. I am not afraid of asking an able person who is on reserved seat to give up the seat to an elderly person or a mother struggling with an active young child. I am more afraid that if I don’t speak up, we will never move towards a society that is gracious and civil-minded.
Speaking up on social media is a good start but rather meek because the speaker has the luxury of hiding behind the screen. Speaking up in person would mean you are exposing yourself to being judged — there’s no way to hide your face and your body. Your face and body must accompany your mouth! Your words affect the image that others form of you.
August 10th, 2012 at 10:56 pm
More often than not, most of us tend to keep things to ourselves as we are afraid to ‘speak up’ because people may judge us. In our daily lives, we are actually given many opportunities to ‘speak up’ and give our opinions. For example, during lessons, teachers try to engage students by asking question. This is the chance when we give our opinions on a certain topic. Personally, when I am given a chance to ‘speak up’, I fear of saying what I really think because I am afraid of how people will judge me. Does my answer sound stupid? Am I answering to the question? Am I addressing the topic? These are questions which flood my head as I try to ‘speak up’.
Speaking up in person and speaking up on social media such as Facebook certainly makes a great difference. Depending on the situation, different approach of speaking up is more useful. Speaking up on social media allows us to appear anonymous, as such, we do not bear the responsibility of what we say and tend to appear arrogant and rude. Most of the time, we use social media as a platform to express our views when we do now want ourselves to be identified. This is useful in bringing across what we want to say without the fear of being judged by others. Yet, we have to take the risk of being maligned by others when only portion of what we said is taken and re-posted on other websites.
However, when we want a point to be made and conveyed clearly. speaking up in person would be a better approach. We are taken more seriously when we ‘speak up’ in person because whatever we wish to say is direct and there is also no way of denying it. It is clear and has a greater impact because unlike the internet, it cannot be edited or cut and paste from elsewhere. The words we say when we ‘speak up’ in person are not subjected to manipulation like those on social media such as Facebook. Speaking up in person requires more courage than speaking up on social media because everyone will know and recognize you. When we ‘speak up’ in person, we have to bear the full responsibility of what we say because it is evident that we said it.
August 10th, 2012 at 11:58 pm
I am sure everyone had been afraid to speak up at some point of time, all maybe even all the time. I am no exception. I, like many others, fear that people will judge me and try to escape from this by keeping quiet. Everyone has different opinions, so there will definitely be people who disagree with you and as a result seem to judge you for yours. However, there are times that I will speak up, especially if the issue at hand goes against my principles or values. If another person were involved, I would try to reach a compromise that both of us can accept.
To ‘speak up’, is a way to get your point across to others, of which I think speaking up in person will make more impact as well as be much more comfortable for the person actually. In social media, people can hide behind a virtual identity, of which there will be people that think ‘that’s just another random person trying to be all philosophical or sophisticated, thinking his opinion is all that’. On social media, there are always attention seeking people that try to blow up every little thing out of proportion which can spark off a huge debate no matter how immature it is and yet you are not able to do anything because you might not even know who all those people are. Worse still, in the end, no one remembers what the whole topic was about in the first place when you speak up in person, people see it as a form of courage and any person with basic courtesy will try to at least listen to it, and that way, your message can brought across easily.
August 11th, 2012 at 12:54 am
Sometimes, I am afraid of voicing out my thoughts in public towards people I am not close to, as I am afraid that they will judge me. Sometimes, there will be a conflict in me, to speak my truest thoughts or just keep everything inside myself.
Personally, I feel that I am more able to speak up in social media rather than in person, as I am not very confident in real life. I am also afraid that the other party will react the way that I do not want them to. I feel that keeping my thoughts to myself in real life speaking allows me to prevent myself from getting hurt.
In social media however, I am unable to see the other party face to face, thus I am more daring to voice out my thoughts on various events, and express my truest feelings, especially on blogs
August 18th, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Yes, I feel that the main reason many of us are afraid to speak up is the fear of getting judged and humiliated by the people around us. Many a times, we unintentionally and unknowingly build up an invisible barrier around us to protect ourselves from others’ criticism. However, I feel that we should learn to voice out our thoughts and open up to others, and receive feedback and criticism with an open mind. There is no such thing as a right or wrong opinion, we might not be able to stop others from thinking about what they want, but we definitely can change our way of perceiving the feedback received. We should take it as a learning experience to improve on our everyday speech and thought process, to become better communicators in future.
It is very different from speaking up in person and on social media. When speaking up in person, not only does it take real courage to be able to step out, your audience can relate to your thoughts better due to the presence of facial expressions. On the other hand, online remarks might actually be inaccurate and fake as people are able to conceal their identity and remain anonymous behind the computer screen. Furthermore, it is easier to form responses to feedback on social media as there is more time to think, process and react to better handle the situation at hand.
August 20th, 2012 at 12:40 pm
In everyone, there lies the fear of being judged, and laughed at for what they say. When we were younger, like many of the people who have commented here have said, we were not so conscious of what people thought of us. But as we grow older, we want to be accepted, and we develop this strange way of thinking that people might laugh at what we say, or the way we say it, etc. This discourages us from sharing our views.
It is different on social media platforms. When we “speak up” in person, we are aware of the people around us, observing us, judging us. This feeling is not so strong on social media platforms, as we have the feeling of security, hiding behind our computer screens. Also, online, even if we are embarassed, nobody truly knows our true feelings. In person, our feelings may be shown on our faces, and being self-conscious, many would rather not attract the attention, preferring to sit in the audience, laughing together with the rest.
“Speaking up” is important, because what’s in one’s head is private, as the topic states. To get people to listen to our opinions, to convince them of our ideas, we need to speak up. We need to stand up, “speak up” for ourselves, if not we’d be blown about by the wind. But even in doing so, many of us probably feel more comfortable doing so online. Online, we only worry about the ideas conveyed. We don’t have to worry about things like our pronunciation, awkward accents, and our postures or projecting of our voice. With so many things off our minds, it is no wonder that people feel more confident when “speaking up” online.