Something has changed in me
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| Image: All Rights Reserved |
| New York : HarperTempest |
| 2004 |
Dad has gone and I’m alone now with Shawn in his regular spot by the window. Mom’s upstairs and can’t hear me. Cindy’s not home from school yet.
I say, “Hey, bro, listen, I have to tell you something…..” The words just come out. I feel scared for a second, but I shake the fear away-it’s now or never-I have to do this.
Without planning how I’m going to start, I just begin. “That time, Shawn, when those two bullies were picking on you, the Bic lighter, them hurting you; what you couldn’t see that day, what no one saw, was….”
I hesitate. I don’t know if Shawn understands me or not, but I need to tell him this anyway, I need to tell him the truth, the part I never imagined I’d tell anyone……
“There’s something more,” I say, staring into Shawn’s eyes.
My throat is tight. “I….I….” I stutter and start to lose my nerve.
Shawn suddenly makes his “ahhhhhhh” sound, like he’s trying to answer me. Like he’s trying to say, “its okay, bro, just let it out..…”
I stare into his eyes, take one more deep breath, and finally speak. “I saw what they were doing, Shawn, and I wanted them to do it.”
Shawn stares off into space.
For the first time ever, hopefully for the last time ever, I say these horrible words that I’ve been too afraid to ever say, even to myself. “I saw those two guys before they even came into the yard that day. I heard them teasing you and I knew they were going to mess with you. I saw them walk up and I wasn’t afraid of them, but I just stood at the corner of the house watching. I saw that one kid get out the cigarette lighter and put it under your chin. And I just stood there. I thought it could be over at last – I wouldn’t be the guy with the broken brother….”
I pause a second and try to catch a breath. My hands are shaking and my stomach feels terrible. I’m afraid to look into Shawn’s eyes, so I stare at the floor. “When he held that lighter under your chin, and you started moving all around, trying to escape, I said inside my head, ‘Go ahead and do it! Just kill him and let this all be over.’ I wanted them to kill you, Shawn. I wanted you.….gone!”
I burst into sobs and can’t say more. But there’s nothing more to say. My brother, if he knows anything, if he understands words at all, knows the truth about me now; that I’m nothing, less than nothing, a coward and a selfish jerk, too afraid to even love him.
Tears stream down my cheeks. I feel dizzy and sick. I bury my face in my hands and try to breathe. I collapse onto the floor next to Shawn’s wheelchair and just sit there, crying.
Through my sobs I manage to spit out, “I’m so ashamed…….”
I’m crying too hard to say more; I can hardly breathe.
I cry for a long, long time, sitting there on the floor, alone with my brother.
I finally stop crying. I begin to breathe evenly again. My ribs and chest ache from all my sobbing, but a strange kind of peacefulness starts to fill me.
Finally I say, “I’m sorry, Shawn. I am. I’ll never let anyone hurt you, bro, and I’ll never pretend again that I don’t know you. You’re my brother, Shawn, and I’m yours. That’s the way it is.”
We sit silently. Something has changed in me. I don’t know how to describe it, but something has happened between us. I watch Shawn sitting in his wheelchair, staring out at the world-does he understand anything about what I just told him? Does he get how much I care about him? Maybe not.
But at least I finally get it.
Extracted from the book Cruise Control
By Terry Trueman
All Rights Reserved.
Publisher: New York : HarperTempest, 2004
Call Number: Y English TRU
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If you had a disabled or deformed sibling, would you support them unconditionally or feel embarrassed or burdened to do so in public?
July 3rd, 2010 at 11:50 am
I would support them unconditionally and not feel embarrassed or burdened in publim. After all, she/he is my sibling and it is my responsibility to support her/him.
By feeling enbarrassed, it is hurting your sibling. She/he is your closest kin and expects me to look after her/him but it turns out differently. I may look down on my sibling and that is not a good sibling.
Being disabled or deformed is not what my sibling wants to be, but he/she was born like that. We should be more caring and look after her/him. After all, that is what siblings are for.
July 7th, 2010 at 10:26 am
I would certainly supprt them unconditionally fully as they are part of me. I have the responsibilty to take good care of them.
By feeling embarassed, I would hurt their feelings because they did not want to be borne like that too. If this kind of incident happens to me, I’ll hope for someone to love and care for me too.
July 12th, 2010 at 8:49 am
They are your flesh and blood after all, be it disable, deformed or a criminal. Blood is thicker than water…..
July 16th, 2010 at 9:59 am
that’s what family are for
July 18th, 2010 at 11:47 am
i would feel ambarassed and wont be seen with them when i was 14 years old.Now i think differently,if people wants to look down on us then tats all.i would still help them.
July 20th, 2010 at 8:33 pm
I would remind myself to not be emberrased. We are a family and we have to accept how that person is created. I’m sure God created that person for a reasoon. Actually, this makes us stronger and more braver to stand up against other people if they try to do harm to our siblings.
July 27th, 2010 at 6:42 pm
A sibling is there, in your life, for you to love and treasure. If you do not cherish her/him, it might be too late for regrets to reverberate. Nothing is definite except death.
July 29th, 2010 at 10:16 pm
i think that when people around us needs help,i would be the one that is willing to help because if you do,you will enjoy the feeling.what’s more that’s your brother.you will be lucky to have a brother as not everyone has the chance of having a brother.last but not least,do not take things for granted!